


Slow burn

by thyandra



Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Eventual Happy Ending, M/M, but it gets better at the end, which basically means this is mostly angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-14
Updated: 2015-09-14
Packaged: 2018-04-20 19:56:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,412
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4800293
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thyandra/pseuds/thyandra
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kaneki would still think that normalcy felt a lot like fear for the unknown and regret for his past, but happiness felt like love and love had the name of Hide and the taste of laughter on kiss-swollen lips and trembling hands on sun-kissed hair. </p>
<p>Or;</p>
<p>Basically just another self-indulgent post Root A fic where both Hide and Kaneki survive the Anteiku raid somehow and are left to pick up the pieces.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Slow burn

**Author's Note:**

> This was meant to be fluff. Then my TgA feels came back to punch me in the face and this happened instead. Funny how this happens quite a lot with this pairing //shoot  
> Originally posted on my [tumblr](http://bloodycarnations.tumblr.com/). Still unbeta'd, though, because I'm too lazy to actually try and find one, duh.  
> Comments mean the world to me, please don't be shy!

In hindsight, them both had been pretty lucky to still be able to smile at one another without the thought of death hovering over their unspoken feelings.

The Anteiku raid had been a nightmare, but being able to survive it still felt like a surreal dream none of them actually could quite believe in. The trembling shadows of that fire still persisted in their memories, the burn of a thousand corpses still threatening to send them out of balance, to fall, fall, deeper than ever, beyond any salvation and hope. To physically, mentally fall together with their one true raison d'être. But they were alive, and falling for each other hadn’t hurt as much as they’d thought it would.

But the fear still lingered behind closed eyelids at nighttime, and that blinding love neither of them could actually conceive was still being uttered by lingering gazes and half spoken promises, half whispered reminders that the contact between their lips wasn’t a one-time thing. They had time, they would say softly to one another, slowly undressing each other to feel the burn of living flesh under their respective calloused palms, under their loving kisses, under the trembling of fingers slowly tracing each other’s fading scars. To replace a memory with another one, gentler, softer, but still theirs.

They had time, and they would treasure every flicker of light that raging fire still awakened in their memories, because it was a flicker of each other’s face, each other’s smile, and a reminder that things hadn’t gone the wrong route for once. They had been able to save one another, and that was enough.  _Yes, it_ _was enough_ , Hide would repeat to a trembling and whimpering Kaneki, holding him close, the bandages on his middle still tight and smelling of blood.  _It’s not your fault you couldn’t save everyone. But you saved_ me.

And Kaneki would hesitantly nod, because he wasn’t that sure of that, either. Having Hide by his side didn’t yet feel like salvation; it still reeked of selfishness and damnation.

But then he would see Hide’s smile and he would be reminded that no, he had to be glad he did survive, even though his life would mean hiding under the moonlight, because he still was able to see the sun and play with his warmth in his every grin, and life deserved to be lived if only just for Hide. _With_ Hide.

And so he did. He lived. And Hide started smiling a lot too, once the blood had dried from his face and from the wounds Kaneki had left on his heart when he’d abandoned him, because Kaneki had finally chosen him, and that wasn’t enough of course, but to build a home the foundations were needed first, and both of them were trying their best.

And building them they did.

Kaneki would still think that normalcy felt a lot like fear for the unknown and regret for his past, but happiness felt like love and love had the name of Hide and the taste of laughter on kiss-swollen lips and trembling hands on sun-kissed hair. Home felt like the smell of Hide’s jacket on his shoulders whenever he was cold, stability like the hand tightly holding his whenever the world became too much to handle and he would wake up in a cold sweat with ringing in his ears, and the only thing that would stop his mind from going into an override would be the soft and solid embrace of his boyfriend who had already awoken from his sleep; then would come the soft-spoken words in his left ear, the one in which the centipede had crawled in, and the taste of tears on his lips to remind him that he was still alive, still in one piece, still held in the other’s strong arms. He’d never noticed how much Hide’s arms had become sturdier, in the months after the raid, not until he was the one being held by them when the world seemed to crumble down to pieces.

It still terrified him to no end how little he was in control of this huge change in his life. He wouldn’t as much as breathe half a word of it to Hide, but he was certain from the shadow in the diluted coffee of his November eyes that his best friend could see right through him. If anything, that only worried him more. Hide had given him stability, love and acceptance. Kaneki didn’t even know if he could give him all of himself in return.

The lie by omission would feel sour in his mouth and he would attempt at masking it with a hesitant smile and a peck on the cheek. His silent way to tell Hide that he knew, he  _knew_ he was being unfair, but he would eventually tell him, just not now.

They had made an habit out of this. Kaneki would share his burden with Hide, he would ask for his help with a muted apology and an outstretched hand, when he knew his past self would have just shouldered everything by himself in fear of burdening the others.

But he was different, now. Hide had made him different. He would know he was doing it again whenever Hide caught him in an embrace from behind and started peppering kisses on his shoulder blades. That would be the signal for Kaneki to turn around and envelop the other in his arms, a broken apology on shaky lips and a weight off his chest.

Hide would in turn learn to value his own feelings on the same level as his significant other’s, and a kiss on his nose would remind him that it was okay to speak his mind, to disagree whenever Kaneki’s hero complex would threaten to pull too hard the rubber band that tied them together; it was okay wanting to just look at the shorter’s boy small frame lying on his chest for minutes on end, not uttering a word, just letting the time pass by and memorizing every curve and stretch of skin on his bones, counting each heartbeat that meant he was still with him, still very much alive. It was okay to twine their fingers together and hold each other’s hand tightly, feeling the warmth underneath without the threat of the fire that still burned their soul in their very nightmares. The memory of Anteiku was still fresh in both of their minds, so neither of them was against wanting to be reminded of the other’s presence behind them, in a tumbling laugh or a stifled groan, in a peck on the cheek or a freshly brewed coffee beside an open book, and a post-it with a smiley on the fridge with a home-cooked meal in it.

It was stupid, it was sappy and cliché, but it was their normalcy and they’d fought tooth and nail to conquer it, so as much as the thought of losing one another again terrified them, they were ready to risk it, because they’d been separated long enough, already, and none of them could bear waiting any longer. Not even out of fear, if anything only sprung from it.

Hide would never say it aloud, but he’d noticed an habit Kaneki had picked only just recently. He’d never been strong on the pda front, so it hadn’t been that difficult to notice, but it touched a chord deep in his chest, sending warmth up to his throat; he would swallow back tears whenever he would catch his significant other doing it, and a smile would evolve frequently in a wobbly kiss, because whenever Kaneki stared in fascination at his hands, playing with its fingers and weighting it on his own, with a stare that seemed to marvel how lucky he was to be held together by those fragile-looking hands, Hide would finally feel loved. He would relish in the feeling and let it sink to his very bones, because if fire had threatened to burn their very souls, the warmth of love would surely fuse it back into shape and nurse them back into life.

And both of them were still trying to pick up the pieces, maneuvering their way around the broken glass of one another, smiling at the blood of the wounds in their respective hands, because it made them alive.  

They weren’t invincible, but they weren’t broken either. They weren’t okay yet, but they were slowly getting there.


End file.
